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Well my cute as button daughter started soccer this Fall. I signed her up as a way for her to start learning about teamwork. I have now decided I should have signed her up for anger management instead.

Her first game went well considering she is only three. She stayed on the field for most of the game and didn’t lay down in the middle of the field until the last five minutes. The second game she stayed a little longer and showed what growing up with an older brother teaches you. One of the boys on the opposing team thought she would be an easy mark and tried to plow her down while kicking the ball. She stood her ground and he, in shock, fell on his rump. This of course made her Dad and I very proud. However this should have been a warning.

Our third game this morning started much the same as the previous two. At about halftime, there seemed to be an altercation between her and a little boy on the other side. Some trash talk was exchanged and she gave chase. Unaware of the tiff, we thought it was cute since they were both laughing.  However she failed to catch him and proceeded to walk calmly over to a  little girl on the team and push her down.  As we sat in shock and bewilderment one of our coaches went over, took her by the hand and explained that we don’t push the other players.  Well this embarrassed our little darling and she immediately broke into hysterics, ran off the field and hid her head under daddy’s shirt. 

 

It took us about ten minutes and many a  “calm down” to learn that her reason was she “just wanted to”. It took  another five minutes for her to apologize to the little girl, who by that time had completely forgot it ever happened.   She was still to embarrassed to continue playing, so we made a deal that it she went back out  and kicked the ball one time in the five minutes remaining she could still have playground time.  Finding this acceptable she went back out and when the ball came to her, kicked it, then turned around and walked back to daddy stating “I kicked it”.

 

So, we learned today that if our daughter continues in team sports, we may be seeing a lot of penalties thrown her way and when negotiating we may need a mediator.

Just a Girl Thing

Being a female comes with all sorts of frills and pains, but what confuses my husband and son the most is our “strange” food habits.  He use to think that I was just strange but after witnessing our daughter do the same exact things, he has come to realize that it’s “just a girl thing”. 

 

I have introduced my daughter to some really great things: such as dark chocolate and a  big spoonful of peanut butter for a late night snack.  This has always baffled my hubby but after hearing my daughter request this over a Popsicle many times he just goes with it.  There is also our technique of peeling or taking apart foods that men just don’t.  This includes kitkats which are always better eaten layer by layer, oreo’s that must be eaten cream first cookie wafers sometimes not at all, the soft portion of garlic bread hollowed out of the crust and of course pizza is cheese first.  But now he has learned to regret his choice of letting my 3yr. old daughter have one of my annual birthday/Christmas/Mother’s Day/Valentine gift Godiva dark chocolate truffles.  She now expects him to bring her the same at birthdays, Christmas and any other minor holidays.  If he does not remember he is met with a trembling lip and alligator tears which spur him to leave immediately and rectify the mistake. 

 

He now knows that there are “just girl things” and yes, it’s important not to upset the wife by forgetting or making fun of these times but NEVER to tease or God forbid, forget the daughter’s dark chocolate. 

 

 

I had to raise my creep out meter to a new high recently.  A new creepy crawly has surpassed a long time leader; The Tree Frog (aka Green Demons).  Now this is not the cute little green frogs,  I’m referring to the massive four inch beasts that feel like you’ve just been hit by a Mack truck when they land on you.  These guys have been on the top since I was a kid and had one jump on my back as I went to the bathroom.  Imagine having to perform sweeps of the bathroom before you took a shower or went potty.  The big green demons used to swim up our toilet pipes and hide out just under the lid for optimum views of me screaming my head off, running in circles.  Even worse, was when you missed one and were later ambushed, naked, in the shower.

 

So, it has to be something truly evil to usurp the “Green Demons” .  I introduce the new winners; “Eight Legged Freaks”.  Living in Florida. we like most families have an in-ground pool.  Our pool goes from three feet to eight feet and I am often skimming toads off the top that have fallen into the chlorine death trap. However lately as the weather has become hotter every day, I am noticing an increase of spiders in the pool.  Why?  Who knows, you think they would be smarter than toads.  THEY ARE.  These spiders are not dead, they are ALIVE and HUGE.  Sitting at the bottom with an average circumference of five inches they plot my demise.  These arachnids sit and wait for my net to scoop them up, raise them out of the water and jump towards my face.  The fact that they sit for hours on the bottom without crawling their way up to freedom, just for giggles at the damage they cause my psyche, prove they are evil.  Honestly, how can they do that? 

  I believe the squirrels must have recruited them since they have not been able to cause me enough torment recently. 

  

My son has once again been grounded. This of course is nothing new, the boy will never be able to play poker without losing his a@# every time.  He cannot even attempt a lie without showing a tell. 

The major reason for punishment  this, time?  Climbing over the second floor loft’s half wall and scaling down the side to the first floor.  Now, he has been caught performing this particular stunt before (age 5) and we thought it had sunk in that this may not be beneficial to his physical health.  We were wrong. 

I am now wondering if he is in training for a future career as the next “Human Fly”.  This incident brings the count to five death-defying acts of  climbing the walls.  His first was at the ripe old age of four, when I caught him six logs up the outside of our log home.  Next, later the same year, after he watched a kid climbing a rock wall on TV.  Our two-story shell rock fireplace seemed perfect in his opinion. 

At least I don’t have to worry about our three year daughter following in his footsteps.  She still refuses to go down the slide any other way but feet first on her belly.  No, with her, I worry that she might perfect her powers of male manipulation before I can warn the world.

You know what you never see?  Baby squirrels.  I know their out there but you never see them running after their parents on a tree branch.  Personally, I hate the rat bastards and I know the feeling is mutual due to their continued assault on my person.  I know you’re thinking  I’m nuts, and normally I’m the first to confirm that your correct, but my husband has even witnessed those tree rats dropping stuff on my head while I’m weeding flower beds.

 

This random thought about squirrel babies popped into head after listening to a report that scientists now have the ability to know if your baby will have any genetic mutations pretty much after conception so you can make the choice to abort.  Why the squirrels?  I don’t know.  I even scare myself at times with the thoughts that just come out of nowhere.  All I do know is, that you shouldn’t mess with nature, she is the original bitch.  Who’s to say we don’t need to gain or lose a few things in our make-up in order to adapt.  They already know that for some reason American’s heads have been growing larger than our European counterparts over the last few decades.  Maybe we are destined to become living bobble heads.

Half-A#@

So. my son has wanted to go camping for years asking  his Dad over and over again.  My husband  in his childhood years did the hunting and fishing thing every weekend but as he turned older he developed what I refer to as his “Princess and the Pea” syndrome.  Due to this, we will not be going the traditional route of tent and bag.  No, we now have a RV that has all the comforts of home.  Fortunately my son thinks this is wonderful so he doesn’t see the loss of bug bites, sweat covered nights with a rock in your back and we cannot forget the trip to the bushes.   However I can’t begrudge the hubby on his half-a@# effort to “camp”, I too, have my moments. 

 

The RV experience has occupied our weekends lately and going to different camping stores to make the trip more comfortable for the hubby has opened my eyes to my own half-a@# hobby of surviving the zombies.  Now, I’m not one of those fanatics that have the shelter and enough food and water to survive underground for 10 years.  If you happen to be one of those I’m sure you’ll be laughing at all of our decaying corpses, so no offense.  I do look at things like growing your own food, living off the land, basic stuff like that and now thanks to camping stores, cooking with only a stick and foil.  I mean Holy Cow have you seen what all you can cook by just using foil over a campfire?  It’s amazing.  I’m embarrassed to say that I bought the cookbook and you may laugh but I’m secure in knowing that I can whip up a fancy chicken dinner using my handy-dandy foil and remember when dinner is done it doubles as headgear so the aliens don’t fry your brains.

I just finished reading two articles that frankly disturb me.  The first was regarding the 5000 year old ice man found between Austria and Italy some years ago.  This poor guy’s body has been studied and dissected numerous times over the years.  I understand all the knowledge his scientists have learned is beneficial blah, blah, blah.  But honestly do you think that poor guy would like knowing that people in the future would find out he ate deer meat and bread for his last meal and died of an arrow wound to the shoulder.  Maybe he shot himself by accident or he and his buddies were playing arrow roulette and he didn’t run fast enough.  Imagine if you died of being a dumba@# and not only do you know but now the whole world does too.  I only hope if I die stupid, I’ll be the only one who knows, EVER.

The second article that makes me cringe is the scientific discovery that all blue-eyed people may be related.  EEGADS!!  My husband has blue-eyes and I as well until my late teens.  I know, weird, but my eyes changed from a gray-blue to a gray-green.  I like to think now it was in preparation for this discovery so I wouldn’t creep myself out thinking about being married to a distant cousin.  I might have to listen to bad jokes about the South and inbreeding but I sure as hell don’t want to learn they might be true.  

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